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| Normally this column is for strictly entertainment purposes, but tonight I'd like to introduce a more informative topic: comparitive religion. Sit down. It won't be that bad. Because, let's face it, this is still a humor column. So, instead of some droning nonsense about how much overlap there is between the myths of Native blah blah blah blah, I'd like to talk about something closer to my heart.
Namely, God's sense of humor.
In the Jewish tradition, the deity Yahweh is something of a practical joker. Locusts, plagues, the wholesale slaughter of neighboring villages of women and children, Yahweh just couldn't get enough.
The jokes weren't always on neighboring tribes, though. Avraham, which is Hebrew for "teacher's pet", had a pretty good joke played on him as well. The conversation went something like this:
YAHWEH: Avraham, I think you should sacrifice your son to me.
AVRAHAM: What? My pride and joy? The love of my life? My flesh and blood?
YAHWEH: (giggling) Yeah. Sacrifice him stupid hard.
So Avraham goes, puts his son on the altar, and at the last moment Yahweh gleefully stops him, saying roughly "Gotcha!". Avraham and his son had a good laugh on their way home, until they slipped on a banana peel and died.
The Christians shied away from this, after realizing people didn't like practical jokes that much. In fact, these days most Christians have no sense of humor at all. Just try painting a mustache and glasses on a Madonna. They don't dig.
Even so, Mr. Jesus may have been a pretty funny guy. He kept them coming back, after all. Unfortunately, only one of his jokes came down to us. A large crowd was following him, and he goes (man, this'll kill you): 'Wherever the body lies, there follow vultures'.
To be fair, it probably lost something in the translations. Each and every one.
The Muslims seem to prefer their humor Yahweh style, with a patsy being set up to bear the brunt of the joke. Mohammed, who was an illiterate caravan master, found himself inspired to write the Koran when Allah spoke to him in a cave.
ALLAH: Hey, could you write something down for me?
MOHAMMED: God? Is that you?
ALLAH: Erm...call me Allah...yeah, that won't cause any trouble...
MOHAMMED: Well, Allah, what can I do for you?
ALLAH: (giggling) Just take this down, and spread the word. I think you'll find people receive it rather nicely. Especially the Christians. Go tell the Christians.
So over all, Western religion hasn't been that funny. Looking east, we find the Buddha, who's usually smiling and sitting very straight, which may indicate that the cause is just gas.
Lastly, the revival in Goddess worship. This has been mostly due to the efforts of feminists and New Agers, who feel we should get back to the way things used to be. Coincidentally, the way things used to be serves their purposes to the letter, so everybody's happy.
The Goddess (God, but a woman) seems to have much the same sense of humor. Namely, she thought it'd be really funny to make women in her image. Then she subjected them to the pain of menstruation, child birth, oppression, and uncomfortable clothing. And this is the gal some feminists _want_ to worship. With gods like these...
I hope this column has been educational. I know I haven't learned anything. Now, if you'll excuse me, a little voice is telling me to write something down. Hey, is somebody giggling?
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**Despite popular reports, Alex Mattingly never ascended into Heaven, and the only thing he would die for is the smooth taste of Vanilla Coke. | |
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