:home | :other articles from this author:

:title:Turning Tricks and Treats
It's the end of October, and that can mean only one thing: the ritualistic celebration of pagan rituals, under the guise of celebrating a Christian holiday despite the fact that the Christian holiday falls the day after the celebration, when most anyone who celebrated the night before is busy choking in a puddle of their own vomit due to the excess of the bacchanal the night before.

It's a bit like Christmas.

I'm talking, of course, about Halloween, the increasingly popular holiday ususally relegated to children. In fact, over the last ten year the number of trick-or-treaters has increased by five percent. Shocked? Then you'll be even more shocked to realize that I made that statistic up, but that you fell for it. Sucker.

Then again, perhaps the reason it was so believable is that you've noticed over the past few years you've been scraping more and more egg yolks off your new Volvo, and raking more and more toilet paper out of your tree branches. And that you've had to bury more and more children in the back yard.

This brings up an important question: how does one deal with unwanted trick-or-treaters? I mean, deep down, nobody actually wants to be giving free candy away. What did these kids ever do for you? Nothing. Maybe the increase in Halloween is directly proportional to the increase in people demanding welfare. Maybe I like to make up statistics because it's easier than looking things up.

So many unknowns to consider!

Regardless, I have a few suggestions for dealing with these yearly leeches:

1) Find a dog. Check with your neighbors. Kill it, then butcher it into individual pieces. Tie these together with it's own intestines, using a half-windsor knot if possible, and 'toilet paper' your own front lawn with it. The first kid that tosses his Angel Soft up and catches the hindquarters of a golden retriever is sure to tell his friends!

2) Four words: Motion Sensing Machine Guns.

3) You only have to kill one child for the rest to understand.

4) Instead of handing out candy this year, try handing out poison. Label it poison. Tell the children it's poison, and if they drink it they'll die. Laugh when they drink it, and die.

5) Go to your local nursing home and see about renting an old person suffering from some form of dementia. Alzheimer's, schizophrenia, any of these will work wonders. After heavily sedating him or her, strip them nude and cover them in raw hamburger. Allow them to roam freely around your front yard, yelling at and attacking children. I like to use a leash, to ensure they don't start roaming the neighbor's lawn. Let them get their own old person.

6) Up comes the sidewalk, down go the landmines, up go the children, down comes their candy.

There are of course many other methods for dealing with trick-or-treaters, and I'd love to share them with you, especially the statistics on their effectiveness. Let me just find those real quick...
-------
Deciding it was no longer worth the effort to hide them in candy bars, Alex Mattingly hands out black and orange razor blades to all the little boys and girls.
BenSwenson.com Home
Forums
User ID:
Password:
Register here
143 users 8210 posts 0 active users
 
Communications
Contact Administrator
Contact Picture of the Day
Images
Picture Archive
New images
Picture of the day
(2016-04-15)
Links
The LawDog Files
View From the Porch
Alex Mattingly
Smallest Minority
 
Individual Sponsors
Thrim LLC
©2024 by Ben Swenson.   All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.
     Hosted by: