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| MAN: (whistling to himself on a bench, waiting for the bus, happy as a clam covered in algae)
GOD: (moving by in the clouds, pretending to be off to some important business; notices MAN, who he's been looking for)
GOD: Well now, what are you whistling about down there, Man?
MAN: (wagging a finger) Oh, you lovable scamp! You little rascal! You had me worried there, very worried indeed!
GOD: (A bit taken aback; considers dropping a couple lightning bolts to command respect but a little too curious to do so) What are you talking about?
MAN: Oh, YOU know! (chuckles)
GOD: Well, erm, of course I know, but I want you to tell me anyway, so that we might…bond. Yeah, bond, that’s the ticket.
MAN: The ossuary, of course! Maybe I should capitalize that. The Ossuary! There we go, now everyone can tell how Holy It is.
GOD: Ossuary? There are quite a few down there. Which one are you referring to?
MAN: The one found by the Frenchman. Knew they had to be here for a reason! God doesn’t make a mistake, eh?
GOD: The French!? I thought I’d just put them there to give the Germans something to do…
MAN: Ha ha! There’s that sense of humor again. No, it seems a Frenchman found on Ossuary that explicitly belonged to James, son of Joseph, brother of Jesus!
GOD: So?
MAN: (confused) Well. I mean. It’s just, now we have some historical evidence for Him. Look, to be honest, I think we’d all begun having our doubts. Virgin birth, Son of God, resurrections…well, it’s all a bit much to handle, isn’t it?
GOD: But you’ve got your proof of all that?
MAN: Um…
GOD: I mean, you can prove the virgin birth, Son of God, resurrection, so on and so forth?
MAN: Well, again, no, but we can prove that his brother is dead!
GOD: (unimpressed) Amen.
MAN: Now listen here! We’ve been looking long and hard for relics like this!
GOD: To prove James was dead? I would have told you that.
MAN: To prove Jesus lived! Look, if we can establish some historical evidence for his existence, we can finally justify our religious beliefs on something besides faith!
GOD: I told you to have faith.
MAN: Yes yes yes, I know. But if we can have proof, that’s really a lot better. And here it is!
GOD: You remember Mohammed?
MAN: The infidel?
GOD: (cringing) The prophet.
MAN: Whatever. What about him?
GOD: You are aware, I hope, that he has a bloodline still alive today.
MAN: (nervously) What’s your point.
GOD: Oh, nothing. Just an observation. Want to see my autographed copy of “Battlefield Earth”?
MAN: Now listen here! Those were false prophets! L. Ron Hubbard was not a messiah!
GOD: But I have his book, right here. Look, it’s even the old cover, before they put John Travolta on it.
MAN: That doesn’t matter. None of it does, now that we have concrete evidence of Jesus.
GOD: But you never doubted his existence! It’s the miracles that mattered, isn’t it?
MAN: Boy, am I glad I’m here to set you straight. Miracles are all fine and good, but we want proof! Evidence! Something to found our faith on!
GOD: (reconsidering lightning bolts) So, let me make certain I understand you. The best thing to found your faith in an all powerful, all knowing God of the universe is the fact that James died?
MAN: Exactly. On the nose. Perfecto.
GOD: Tell you what. I’ll give you seven days to reconsider. Think about faith, think about religion, shop around a little. Figure out why you stand where you do. Then we’ll talk, okay?
(BUS PULLS UP)
MAN: Hey, I totally would, but I’ve gotta get out of here. There’s a crying statue a couple towns over. Hallelujah! It’s a good time to be one of the faithful!
GOD: (sighs as He watches MAN leave) Guess I owe you five bucks after all.
SATAN: (shrug) Easiest five dollars I ever made.
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Alex Mattingly doesn't care _how_ much money God lost, it was the coolest crying statue he'd ever seen | |
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