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:title:Robinson's Dilemma
"Robinson's Dilemma" is the metaphysical problem of having only one body. This necessitates having only one destiny, making things a general muddle most of the time, since people aren't usually any good at making choices.

There is a forseeable solution to this problem, however, in the field of human cloning. The reality of what was once only a dream looms closer by the hour, and I for one am clearing out my dresser drawers, emptying my ashtrays and making room for all the new Alex's soon to be underfoot. Here are my plans for my new bodies:

1) One body will be in charge of making the money. He can use whatever means necessary, as any crimes committed will be pinned on another body entirely. With his funding, none of the other Alex's have to worry about eating, or, more importantly, heavy drinking.

2) One body to be punished for anything the other bodies do. Will probably need a lobotomy and tranquilizers to be kept in check.

3) One body to kick some serious ass.

4) One body who seems like the guy whose ass you'd kick, but then at the last second he kicks YOUR ass, a la Rocky.

5) One body to fall for all of our practical jokes, like when we put leeches on his pee-pee.

6) A group of bodies to launch guerilla assaults on local playgrounds, spray painting children and holding lynchings for Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Elmo.

7) One body to hide in amusing places, like air ducts, car trunks, and beneath football fields.

8) One body to run for public office. It doesn't particularly matter which, provided it invites plenty of bribes, hookers and coke.

9) One body to wear amusing hats to public events, such as football games, church, funerals, and ritualistic circumcisions. Suggestions for slogans to be written across the hat include such classics as "Hoof Arted", "Where's The Beef?" and "Hoop Ut Leeches On My Pee-Pee".

10) One body to contract disease. Better him than me!

I suggest everyone reading puts aside whatever they're doing and gets to work on a similar list. Scientists aren't going to hand clones out to just anybody, and showing that you're prepared is bound to make an impression.

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**Alex Mattingly currently deals with Robinson's Dilemma via his many illegitimate children.
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