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| :title: | For the Unwashed Masses |
| I’ve found myself wearing socks a lot more lately, though not by choice. The fungus growing on my feet is currently in the stage during which it releases spores, and in the interest of general health and hygiene I’ve been very careful to wear protection.
Even so, the last few months have been very warm, and now and again I like to air the little fella’s, which means I have to do so in the privacy of my dorm room, often taking care to be certain my roomie isn’t around to suffer. After the spore clouds have settled and I can see again, I feel a little more comfortable but a lot more bored. So, like many a great man before me, I’ve decided to offer some advice to those in need. And what better subject to give advice on than hygiene?
Because it is hygiene, after all, that so often makes our first impression for us. When I smell you (or your mother!) coming from a block away, I may make a judgment based on something besides your intelligence or sparkling personality; namely, the fact that you wilt daffodils by the dozen when you walk by.
There are many avenues to explore when discussing hygiene, but some of them are left better tucked away in the disgusting, vile recesses of your body. God hid them for a reason. You see, far from a beautiful work of art, much of your body is shameful, and should be hated with all your being. The fashion industry understands this, and has taken a bold stand to strip away as much mass from its representatives as possible. Even so, the really, really disgusting bits are still there. The worst part is that with the excess flesh taken away, they are actually closer to the surface than ever!
So extreme weight loss is not the way to go. Underwear is. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank Adam and Eve for eating that forbidden fruit and finally realizing what we take for granted today (again, that you are shameful. Lash thyself.) But what about the icky parts of you that can’t be covered with underwear in a medieval society like modern America, such as your face?
Never fear, I have three tips that will improve your looks forever. Tip Number One: Your Slip Slidy Skin. Your face naturally secretes oils meant to protect and defend your skin against various kinds of difficulties. The problem is that all too often the oil production is greater than that of Noble Roman’s pizza, and all too quickly you begin to resemble one. There are those out there who would offer solutions such as rinse your face, or use an astringent cleanser, but I have a better answer: overkill. That’s right. Match your pores, ounce for ounce. If they secrete a drop of grease, you smear on a spoonful of olive oil. If they secrete a spoonful, you bathe in the stuff! Your pores, realizing their job has mysteriously been taken over by some greater force, will quit producing oils all together, and once that happens you’re in the clear for clean, natural looking skin.
Tip Two: Waxy Build-Up. Let’s face it, kids. Your ears are probably the most disgusting orifice you have. For no apparent reason, they ooze ickissitude. Some scientists have theorized that the human ear once roamed independently of the head, and the two organisms wound up coexisting. Thus, ear wax may once have been used when the Ear was on the hunt, as a kind of bait to lead small insects into the maw, but is no longer necessary.
So it is safe to clean it out from time to time. Many people use Q-Tips, which aren’t actually supposed to be used for ears. That’s why they fit inside the ear canal so perfectly, because the people who make Q-Tips are lying bastards. But for those of you worried that cotton swabs are in fact dangerous, there is another helpful strategy. Get a number two pencil, the kind with an eraser and a metal bracket connecting the eraser to the wood. Remove the eraser, leaving a hollow bracket. Insert into ear and go nuts!
Tip Three: Yellow teeth. Nothing ruins your face like yellow, stained teeth. Except possibly your misshapen cheek bones. Nevertheless, your cheek bones can not be taken care of by common household cleaning supplies. If your teeth are in fact yellowed, a problem often caused by drinking coffee or smoking, try this: get a pitcher of Clorox Bleach, a teaspoon and an eye dropper. Every morning, when you go for that freshly brewed cup of joe, add a teaspoon of bleach. It may take some getting used to, so it is okay to start with less than the full teaspoon. Just keep it in mind as a goal.
So what was that eye dropper for? The cigarettes, of course! Just dribble a bit of wholesome, cleansing bleach down the end, carefully soaking the compacted tobacco, and light up, slugger! Looks like you’re smoking your way to cleaner teeth!
These simple tips may not improve your entire physique, but they’re a fine start. As for me, I’m happy just the way I am. It’s too late to start fighting the spores now anyway.
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**Alex Mattingly was once awarded the Golden Emu award, for being single-handedly responsible for the most column-related fatalities of the year. Miss Manners still disputes this.
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