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| This column is later than I intended it to be, for a very good reason. For the last week I have been in mortal combat with a strain of cold the likes of which I have never seen. For fear of my germs spreading to others, I have been concentrating on the systematic execution of every diseased cell in my body. This has resulted in a 40% loss of brain mass, but that's a small price to pay.
The main symptoms of this cold have been a runny nose and a headache. This may not sound like much, but it becomes quite a distraction when, in the middle of class, everyone hears "*SNORKK* SWEET MOSES, THERE ARE DAGGERS IN MY BRAIN! MY BRAIN!"
It was pretty unacceptable behavior. So I blew my nose whenever possible. But that's not even a skill I mastered until two years ago, and my technique is still lacking. My war would have to take place on a different front.
I began stocking up on V8, which contains 140% of your daily Vitamin C needs. Take that, I thought smugly. I also purchased Vitamin C supplements. One pill, it turns out, contains 833% of your daily needs. And, of course, my regular one-a-day vitamins, which throw in another 100%.
So over all I have been taking well over 1000% of my daily requirement. Any normal germ, one with a little dignity, a little self-respect, would politely bow out. Anyone willing to turn his urine electric orange because of a cold is obviously prepared to take some pretty extreme measure. But these little bastards played it cool and stuck it out, so I had to resort to plan B.
A blood drive was taking place in my dorm's lounge. It seemed all to perfect. Here were health care professionals, just begging to drain me of my sickened blood. I'd let them take the germs, and my body would manufacture some fresher, bolder blood. It was a flawless plan.
I informed the nurse that I'd taken tylenol that day, but it didn't concern her. As long as I hadn't taken drugs for sex from a monkey that had been living in Africa since 1977, I passed the test. Thank god panda's aren't a species of primate.
After having my blood drawn and being released back into the wild, I was feeling pretty good. Extremely good, actually, and I realized that my little scheme had worked. The germs, thinking they were about to infect a new body, must have crowded into the sample bag, only to realize too late there was no way out. Skipping to my room, I was glad to be in the clear.
When I woke up the next morning, however, it became apparent that the germs were still there. Mainly because they had tied me to the bed and were dancing on my weakened body. So, tylenol in hand, I've gone back into the fray. If medicine and giving away portions of my body don't work this time, I'm not sure what I'll have to resort to.
Maybe I just need some quiet time, or a gentle touch from someone who cares. A little lovin' can be the best medicine, you know. But it'll be a long time before I see that panda again.
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**Alex Mattingly has been forcibly ejected from zoo's for his progressive attempts to bridge the species gap with no less than seventeen kinds of bear. | |
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