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| :title: | Life Imitates Bad TV |
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Looks like I've done it again. That's right, I've single-handedly isolated another one of the millions of things that's wrong with the world, and come up with a dazzlingly brilliant way of fixing it.
Hand this boy an ashtray, he just saved your butt.
The problem I've decided to solve today is this: we, and by we I mean everyone except you and me, as a nation have lost sight of who we are. We're out of touch with our roots, we ignore our elders, we scorn our libraries and mock our wise-men.
This leaves us with a problem, however. At some point we start to wonder, where the hell is our culture? We check under the rug, behind the toilet next to the sandwich, the front porch, and all to no avail. There simply isn't any culture anywhere we look.
So where does one turn? Television. And as we watch we learn. A recent scientific survey of children grades 3-5 turned up shocking results. Students were asked questions, over and over, and the answers they volunteered of their own free will are reprinted here:
Q. Are you still reluctant to take our survey?
A. Please, stop hurting me. I want my mom. Mom! Mom! Please! Help me! Oh god, please don't...is that a car battery?
(pause of undeterminable length)
Q. What have you learned, watching television?
A. All my friends are ugly. And they're not very clever, either.
Q. How do you feel when you watch tv?
A. I watch television passively, so I do not feel much, besides the depressing hollowness of my life which I have nothing to fill it with, not even the love of my cat, Cici, who my mother ran over yesterday with her Mazda. And I feel a little aroused.
But the third question was most intriguing:
Q. When you and your friends talk, what do you talk about?
A. Usually how great it is to be single in New York.
DO YOU SEE!? This is what we're dealing with. Listen to people talk and you no longer hear thoughtful discussion but poor imitations of the snappy banter on last night's "Just Shoot Me."
This is alarming indeed. A nation of David Spade's, as attractive and engorging as the idea may first appear, would result in chaos. For one thing, we'd be too busy making witty remarks about our coworkers asses to get any work done. For another there would be no women.
So what's the solution? To turn the tv off? No! Don't be thicker than Jennifer Lopez's ass (*hiss!*). Instead, we must demand programming more realistic to our daily routines! The increase we see in melodrama among our friends and coworkers can be reduced by creating television series' more attuned to real life. For instance:
"Dave and Rex"
-An authentic tv show about two college roommates who don't know each other, and rarely talk! Watch the drama unfold as they say 'hello' in the bathroom, 'can I turn off the light?' at night, and 'it's for you' when the phone rings!
"FOUR STARS!" -Ebert and Roeper
"My Alleged Life"
-An authentic tv show about a high school girl who feels fat, and makes up for this by eating a lot with her fat friends whilst ignoring the adoration of the chubby boy they invite to parties because he's 'like a sister'. For a narrower audience; may contain excessive bitching.
"BRILLIANT!" -Joel Siegel, Good Morning America
"Ugly, Unathletic Men Hiding In A Basement Playing Video Games While Tom Downloads Sarah Michelle Gellar Nudie-Pictures"
-An authentic TV show roughly based on the lives of kids just ahead of me on the social ladder.
"GRITTY AND DISTURBING!"-Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
I think if we can get a few shows like this off the ground, people will start acting like people again. No longer will we have to worry about snappy comebacks or where to find our next ridiculous situation. And best of all, we won't need pliers and battery acid during the next wave of interviews.
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**Alex Mattingly cures Alzheimer's.
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