:home | :other articles from this author:
|
| You never think it'll happen to people you know. You're attending a quiet little school. The students are amiable, friendly, even cuddly. And then it happens...
But why? Why would they choose us? These are the questions we must ask ourselves in the days to come, so that we may prevent it from happening again.
I fear you do not follow; allow me to explain.
The Gideons were on campus yesterday. At first I thought nothing of it. Just some kindly old gentlemen, trying to do what they thought was a service. Completely innocent, right? It turned out, though, that this was not the popular sentiment. Rather, students greeted eachother that morning not with "Hello" or "Good day", but with "Did you _see_ those Gideons?"
I have learned to sympathize. There is little more terrifying than old men in suits offering free books. Their smile is like unto that of the Grim Reaper, their red, barren scalps glowing like the gates of hell. What are they doing here? Why are they doing this to us?
Don't they realize, as I eventually did, that they're infringing my constitutional rights? Namely the very well spelled out right to go to school and walk down the sidewalk without having to see anyone or anything I may possibly think about disagreeing with one day. I think it's covered under the seventh amendment somewhere, or one of those at least.
I mean, hey, I'm a pretty liberal guy, but when it comes to putting up with old people on the sidewalk, I draw the line. I mean, it's like they think they can just speak freely! When shall congress make a law prohibiting this kind of behavior? Not soon enough, let me tell you.
You don't see the Buddhists pulling these kinds of shenanigans, do you? Of course not. Or the Jews, the Muslims, the Taoists, the Hare Krishna's, or even the Scientologists, who have to know it's a big joke by now. But even so, do you see any of these other religions handing out Bible's? No! So I think drastic action needs to be taken.
I am writing a letter to congress, demanding the removal of the Gideons from society. Following the Gideons will come old people in general, and then the Christians, and then the non-Christians who get all smarmy about the Christians leaving, and then people with brown eyes, followed by the non-Irish-German. Eventually we can wring this country out of all it's unpleasantness, and hand it back over to the master race, which I am coincidentally a member of.
I mean, it's all in the constitution somewhere. Trust me.
----------
**Alex Mattingly takes his rights for granted, once going so far as to sell them to the North Vietnamese for one hundred dollars. | |
|
|
|
